"What if we make it about dating?"

I could feel the words burning and I knew that if I was supposed to speak up. “What if we make it about dating?” There. It was out. 

I couldn’t believe that I suggested it. When we needed to adjust a topic for our middle school group because the main series topic was “husband and wives,” I, Helen Archer, had suggested that we talk to them and with them about dating.

Why is this strange? I’ve always been the one who hates talking about dating. It’s salt in an open wound. I remember tearing up in college when the leader announced that we were going to be talking about relationships. I thought “Again? This would be great… if I had a boyfriend!!”

I won’t go into specifics, but my experiences with boys have been limited – I could tell you some stories that would make you laugh, and some that would make you cry. Most of my experiences have been far from great, but I don’t think that these experiences have been all bad. There have been good moments, exciting moments, sweet moments, and for the most part they have all resulted from good intentions and the sincere desire for me to find the man that God wants me to marry.

So what’s good in this? How can I look at my being single and say that it’s good? It’s all about the perspective. What have I got to have because I was single? How about a few weeks ago when I picked up and went to Wilmington for the day just to read and have some alone time with God? How about getting to hang out with awesome students at Journey Church almost every night last week without worrying about neglecting my boyfriend/husband? There have been many times now where I’ve been doing something, and I’ve heard God whisper, “You have to know that you wouldn’t be doing this unless you were single.” I coached a basketball team, I’m available for my friends even late at night, I have gone and will go back to Uganda, I can plan road trips to go to my brother’s basketball games, and the list goes on…

How about the rest of my life AFTER I meet this spectacular guy that’s waiting for me? I’m going to be better for him because of this time. I’ve learned how to do this thing on my own. I’ve moved to a new city by myself, bought my condo, fixed up my condo, found my church, got involved at my church, switched jobs, and, most importantly, fallen in love with Jesus. I’ve been to Uganda and lost my heart to people and a country halfway around the world. I can kill bugs in my condo with minimal screaming, and cook well enough to make almost any man fat and happy. If I met the man that I’ll marry 7 years ago, 5 years ago, 3 years ago, even 1 year ago – I wouldn’t have been able to say most of that.

I’m not saying that people shouldn’t get married early or ANYTHING like that. Please don’t misunderstand. I’m just trying to put singleness in perspective. I’m not saying that I’m going to be a better wife than anyone who gets married at 18 or 20 or 23. But I’m going to be a better wife than I would have been at 18 or 20 or 23. And maybe the issue isn’t that I needed and need so much more growing, so much more maturing, than others who get married earlier. But maybe my marriage is going to need that. My future husband and I are going to have a life that’s a great adventure in learning what it means to follow Jesus. I don’t know exactly what that is going to involve, but I know that it’s true. And maybe for me to be able to keep up with him, I’ve had to get a little bit more ready, learn a little bit more about myself, and fall a LOT more in love with Jesus.

Here’s the thing that makes me cringe inside, even though I know it’s true – if I wait 5 more years, 10 more years, 25 more years, I know that it’ll be worth it. Even if I never get married, I know that it’ll be worth it, and I won’t have any regrets. But I believe that I am going to get married one day. After I asked God to show me if I was ever going to get married, He gave me a dream where I got married to a man with the most beautiful eyes, full of love for me.

So, back to the middle school students and their lesson. Since the meeting, there’s been this thought in the back of my mind – “Some help you are going to be that week. What can you tell them?” For me to withdraw into myself and let myself believe that my opinion is less valuable because I don’t have a ring on my left finger is wrong. Of course I can’t speak on marriage from experience, but I want to be able to tell them that I’m not there yet, and it’s still worth it.

Not compromising has been worth it.

Waiting is worth it.

I am worth it. 

He will be worth it.