Beautiful Somehow

Today was a hard day. I am sure that a big part of it is going to Uganda, and Satan attacking me trying to get me down and distracted. I felt like I was on the edge of tears most of the day, feeling anxious and weighted down without really knowing what was wrong. Our God is faithful, though, and tonight His goodness was absolutely evident to me. After a day of feeling completely inadequate, two things happened tonight at my discipleship group that leave me knowing that God wants to get a message across to me: 

1. During the closing prayer, one of my classmates said (loosely quoting) “God, there are some in here who are feeling inadequate. Pour out your love and showing them that you are strong in them and will do mighty things through them.” I knew that God was talking to me. I’d felt so down, so inadequate, so burdened all day. I know that God spoke to me through my brother in Christ.

2. After that prayer, our teacher Scott said “Wait. We need to pray for Helen and her trip to Uganda.” My classmates laid hands on me and prayed for me. Two women that I’m close to not only prayed for my protection, but spoke affirming, life-giving words over me. They believe in me, and they see God working in me. How amazing is that? Scott also prayed over me, and hearing and feeling the prayers of my brothers in sister in Christ for me, my teammates, and the people of Uganda had me in tears. I had a room of people who believe that God can and will work in me.

So knowing what God did tonight, the below (written earlier today) might make a little bit more sense. I think that I knew what God was saying to me earlier today, but I don’t think that it had sunk in yet. It’s pretty amazing, though, to look back just hours and know that God was trying to get something through my thick head.

-----

I’ve been having another one of those times when I know God keeps bringing something to my mind. As we’re preparing for Uganda, I’ve been fighting off feelings of inadequacy – the lies that I can’t do this, I’m going to mess things up… the list goes on. I know that they’re lies, but fighting them gets exhausting. God’s been SO faithful though, feeding me truth and giving me courage.

What He’s been trying to tell me can be summed up by a line in the song “Have Your Way” by Britt Nicole – “Remind me that you take broken things and turn them into beautiful.” I hear it echoing in my head all day. God will use me despite my weaknesses, and He just wants me to be willing. He takes me in all my mess, in all my brokenness and inadequacy, and He uses me. He wants to use ME. It blows my little mind.

I hope to write about this more, but I wanted to write this much for now and end with a song. One of the songs that I keep coming back to lately (even though it’s been one of my favorite songs for several years) is called “Beautiful Somehow” by Joy Williams. From the first time I heard it, God has spoken to me through it… reminding me that He made me in His image and that He loves me and wants to and can use me. On those days when I think that I’m just too [fill in the blank] for God to use, I usually end up with this song in my head… remembering that He makes everything beautiful.

Well, I've never been a fashion queen

I wear dresses I wear jeans

I've even been known to wear my heart on my sleeve

I'm just your average kid next door

A plain simple mystery

I'm a self-proclaimed daddy's girl

With my share of idiosyncrasies

I'm just fine

I see a smile from Heaven

My father's proud

And I know that I am simply, fearfully, and wonderfully

Made in you

You make it beautiful somehow

I've got old-fashioned sensibilities

I believe chivalry still exists

And I can be a princess

Even when there ain't no prince

So what if I'm right brained

I've got half a mind to disagree

I would rather write the book

Than go and read the movie

So even when I may not rhyme

You always give me reason

I'm just fine

I see a smile from Heaven

My father's proud

And I know that I am simply, fearfully, and wonderfully

Made in you

You make it beautiful somehow

Every day, every way

Got my elbows on the table

My mind up in the clouds

I know I'm getting better

I can almost hear You laugh out loud

The more I trust in You

The more I find

What You create is no mistake

It's purpose by design

Strong and Courageous

Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV) - “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” 

Yeah, new blog, same verse, but different emphasis. For a long time now I feel like God’s been teaching me about the first part – being strong and courageous. What does that even mean? What does it mean to live with strength and courage?

First of all, I just want to say that everything I’m writing is just my opinion. It’s just what I think… what I feel like I’m supposed to write. I’m not claiming to know everything or even to be right. OK, disclaimer over.

When I think of the phrase “strong and courageous” my brain inevitably travels down two paths.

   1. My Dad. He says this phrase a lot, especially when he’s praying over me or my brother and sister. I know that he prays for us a lot when I am not there to hear him, but when I hear him pray out loud for us, I almost always hear this phrase – he asks that we would be strong and courageous. When I think about this, I smile, and then I pray. I want to be the strong and courageous woman that my Dad sees when he looks at me.

   2. The movies Cinderella Man, Gladiator, and Braveheart. [If you haven’t seen them, clear a few hours and do it. You won’t regret it. If you do regret it, we are no longer friends.] In stories full of passion and right vs. wrong, the men in these movies beat the odds by beating the snot out of the bad guys. They are some of the best cinematic examples of strength and courage. I don’t care if I’m a girl; I love these movies. I love cheering for the good guys.

So how can I be strong and courageous?

I have a pretty good idea of what strength is, but I want to get my facts straight so I looked up courage on dictionary.com (yep, I’m a nerd…) and the first definition given for courage is: “the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc. without fear; bravery.” 

Without fear? Here is where Mr. Webster and I disagree. 

I don’t think that the absence of fear is a requirement for courage. 

I readily admit that I could be wrong, but in my mind, those men weren’t necessarily without fear. I think that Jim Braddock might have been a little bit afraid before he fought Max Baer. I think that Maximus Decimus Meridius probably wasn’t thinking “Awesome! A lion too!” And William Wallace was always talking about “FREEDOM!” but not about an absence of fear. I think that what set them apart, truthfully, was acting despite that fear. 

The third definition of courage is what I think of when I think of true courage – “having the courage of one’s convictions, to act in accordance with one’s beliefs, esp. in spite of criticism.”

I’ve still got things rattling around in my head, but this is what I’m sure of so far – God gives us courage. He commands us to have courage, which (to me) indicates that it’s not natural for us. It’ll be natural to be afraid, but we are supposed to have courage. 

In Joshua 1:1-9, when the LORD appoints Joshua as the leader over Israel, He tells him to be strong and courageous repeatedly:

1 After the death of Moses the servant of the LORD, the LORD said to Joshua son of Nun, Moses' aide: 2 "Moses my servant is dead. Now then, you and all these people, get ready to cross the Jordan River into the land I am about to give to them--to the Israelites. 3 I will give you every place where you set your foot, as I promised Moses. 4 Your territory will extend from the desert to Lebanon, and from the great river, the Euphrates--all the Hittite country--to the Great Sea on the west. 5 No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. 6 "Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. 7 Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. 8 Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. 9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." (emphasis added)

I’m guessing that it was kind of important that Joshua be strong and courageous.

Do you see what it says in the last verse, though? “Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged.” Well, I fail for the week. I haven’t been terrified, but I’ve let myself be afraid. I’ve let myself get discouraged. 

So what are we supposed to do? How do we live in a way that is strong and courage, without being terrified and discouraged? 

He doesn’t ask us to stuff our feelings. I think that, instead, He asks us to choose – to choose Him. He wants us to be honest about how we feel. He wants us to choose to believe, to act, to LIVE in spite of ourselves. 

When the fear pops into our minds, we take it captive (2 Corinthians 10:5). We go to God and give it to Him, telling Him (and ourselves) the truth – He is bigger than whatever we are scared of, and we depend on Him. And then, we just act. We step out in faith to do what we believe that He wants us to do, despite how we feel in that small moment.

Philippians 1:20 – “I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.”

Lessons from Trixie, Part 4

For Labor Day weekend, I went with my sister and Trixie to go see my grandparents in Grandy, NC (it’s a teeny-tiny town you pass through on the way to the Outer Banks). We were all really excited about going and I got to leave work early, so we had a great drive that of course included some self-portraits along the way: 

After dinner I went to go get something out of my car, and Trixie seemed panicked that I had grabbed my keys and was slipping on my sandals without telling her that she was coming too. She started jumping up on me as if begging me not to abandon her. 

“Really? You think that I’m going to leave you?”

I couldn’t believe that she was really afraid that I was going to leave her. Did she really think that I’d brought her all this way, to my grandparents’ house, to abandon her? Doesn’t she trust me? Doesn’t she know me at all?

As all this was going through my head (yeah, it seems like my brain is either on overdrive or off), it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Oh wait.

I get it.

I do the same thing to God.

I’ll be standing in the place that He brought me to, the place that He prepared for me, and I suddenly freak out. “WAIT! What do I do NOW? Are you going to leave me here?”

God brought me here (spiritually, physically, emotionally … in every way) for a reason. He brought me this far. How can I NOT believe that He’s going to provide the next step, and the next step, and walk with me through this whole journey? How can I NOT trust Him?

There are numerous times in the Old Testament that God refers to Himself as the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Now, I’m not a Bible scholar and I don’t pretend to be, so take what I’m about to say for what it is - just my opinion. When I hear that phrase “The God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, the God of Jacob,” I think about what God was saying about Himself - it’s not that that He “was” the God of those three men alone, but I think that He was reminding the people of Israel (and us) of what He had done, of his faithful acts on behalf of His people. He wanted the people of Israel to remember what He had done in and through those men, to remind them to trust Him because He had been, is, and always will be faithful.

“I brought you here.” I have heard it several times in my heart. It comes at times when the tears are falling and I feel scared. I have heard it before basketball games, before starting school at ASU, before taking the CPA exam, before moving to Raleigh, and before starting a new job. I’ve heard it on days when I’m rejoicing because, at least in that moment, everything seems to make sense; and I’ve heard it on days when nothing feels right and I feel confused. God has reminded me, and continues to remind me, that He has always been faithful to me. Has it always made sense? No. But was there ever any doubt that He was with me working His will in my life? No.

God always brings me to a place for a reason. And He’s not going to leave me.

My sister moved in with me almost two weeks ago, and I love having her with me. Living with your best friend is a beautiful thing, and my best friend is awesome. Right now, though, she is in a hard place of waiting. God is going to give her a wonderful job, but right now she is simply being patient. And she really is being patient; she’s been an example to me of patience and faith. When we were with my grandparents, my grandpa prayed for her. At one point in the prayer, he said, “God, we know that you didn’t bring her this far to leave her.” What a sweet truth. I smiled as God drove home the point one more time.

Of course He isn’t going to leave her.

God is faithful. He hasn’t left her yet, and He’s not going to.

And He hasn’t left me, and He’s not going to leave me. He will never abandon me.

Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV) - “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” 

Lessons from Trixie, Part 3

One of the most valuable things that I’ve learned from Trixie is the importance of being excited to greet someone. I know that it sounds silly, so let me explain.

My mom helped me tint my bedroom window about a year ago, but if I get at the right angle and squint, I can still make out the outline of Trixie sitting on my bed watching me as I leave to go to work every morning. What a blessing to know that someone, even my dog, is waiting at home for me. When my brother stayed with me this summer, he said that around 5:00 every day she would abruptly stop playing with him and go watch out the window for me.

Before the window was tinted it was easier to tell, but I can make out her figure when I get home. She watches me as long as she can, and then as I come up the stairs she races to the door. I can hear her tags jingling before I even get my keys in the door. As I open the door I am greeted by 12 pounds of dancing, wiggling affection. After squeals, sighs, and dancing (on both our parts), she races to the couch and jumps up on the back… just to get closer to me. I think that she wants to make it easier for me to pick her up. Before all of the things that “need” to be done (a walk, dinner, etc., etc.), there are at least a few minutes where we just rejoice at being reunited. It is simple loving – kisses from her in exchange for good scratches from me. 

I love so much how my dog tells me that she loves me and missed me. And when I think about it, I want the people in my life to know that I’m excited to see them. It makes a world of difference to me when someone waves at me from across the room or gives me a big hug.

My Dad has mentioned to me at least a few times that he learned this from Trixie, too. When I was living at home I knew that when I got back from somewhere, I would hear the THWOOMP of my Dad snapping his recliner down, and then within seconds I’d be wrapped in a big hug. I’ve seen him do it hundreds of times. “YAY! [Insert name here] is home!” Now, when I make the drive back to Boone, I know that I can call them when I get done making my car climb up the mountain (if we’re not already on the phone), and he and Mom will be waiting at the door or outside when I get there. Just another way that I know that they love me and miss me. It’s a good feeling.

Just like it’s a good feeling when my brother greets me with a “CRAZY H!” or my sister sing-songs a “Heeeyyy!”. Just like it’s a good feeling when I go to the Hollis household and hear at least a few voices yell “H!” in unison. Just like when I have a middle schooler say “Oh good, Helen is here.”

This isn’t to say that when someone doesn’t scream my name, race over to me, and give me a huge bear hug that I get offended or think that they don’t like me. I am extremely comfortable with laidback [to the point of nonexistent] greetings. This is probably because I’m not naturally an outgoing people person myself. Shocker.

But I’ve been attempting to try greeting people better, and I love the difference that it makes. Even when it would be more natural for me to just slip quietly to my desk or into a crowded room, I’ve been trying to take a minute to find someone (maybe even someone I don’t know as well) and just say hello, making sure they know that I’m genuinely glad to see them. I love how it makes me feel, and I love the response that I get.

In 2 Corinthians 13:12 we’re told “Greet one another with a holy kiss.” While I’m not slathering on the Chapstick every time I enter a room, I think that I get the point. Show love to people. Be affectionate.

I am a huge fan of the way that Philippians is translated in The Message, so here is Philippians 4:5 – “Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!”

Lessons from Trixie, Part 2

Some days are just harder than others. I have to admit that it’s true for me, even though I sometimes put on a front like I don’t have “bad days.” Some days something terrible happens – bad news about someone you love, car accidents, illnesses, etc. Those are really bad days, and it’s easy to explain or pinpoint why it is bad. But then some days are hard, even if there’s nothing specific that I can blame. Some days it’s just a combination of minuscule things that didn’t go quite how I planned. Those little things build up. It’s not a big deal when I don’t get a good parking space, get a little claustrophobic on the elevator, or run out of creamer for my coffee, but when little things like that happen all day, my heart is a little heavier when I get home. It’s not that is a terrible day, but it’s just a harder day.

Even at home, little things can go wrong. There are days where everything seems to have gotten dirty overnight, I burn my dinner, Trixie steals my milk, and I drop my keys down the stairs. I’m not talking about the stairs IN my condo… the ones outside. Now, these stairs outside are a little unfriendly. They’re concrete steps with no risers behind them. I have tripped up them, tripped down them, and stubbed my toes on them (not that I blame them for my clumsiness, but still…). At night, there’s light coming up from the creepy basement-level apartments below and while I’m not scared of the stairs, I am not particularly fond of them.

Sometimes, Trixie refuses to go down the stairs by herself, and I’m reminded that even my dog can have a harder day.

Most times that we go outside to “potty,” she will race down the stairs, or trot along beside me. But there are days when she will stop at the top of the stairs, and just look at me; she will not budge until I come up and get her. Sometimes when this happens I can coax her into walking down beside me, but usually I have to pick her up and carry her down the stairs. The timing seems random to me. It has happened in the morning, late at night, and at lunch. There isn’t any consistency with the day of the week, the events of the day, or anything else logical.

The first few times, I admit that I fussed her a little bit – “Let’s go…We gotta hurry! Why are you doing this?” Then, one time, I remembered that it had stormed at my house earlier in the day. Trixie HATES thunder. It scares her. She is absolutely pathetic and hides in her bed. As soon as it dawned on me that there had been thunder earlier in the day, I scooped her right up and carried her down those scary stairs. That day had been harder for her, and she just didn’t feel like going down the stairs by herself. [OK, I know that I’m probably over-analyzing this, but in my mind it makes sense.]

Now, whenever she doesn’t want to go down the stairs, I will first spend about 30 seconds encouraging her to come down the stairs by herself. But when that fails (and it usually does), I will carry her. Do I baby her? Yes. Would Cesar Milan be appalled? Probably. But I love her. And sometimes, loving her looks like carrying her down the stairs.

And then I wondered how many times I have people in my life balk at their “stairs,” and I sit there saying “WHY are you doing this? We’ve done it hundreds of times before…” and I don’t think about the fact that maybe today was just a hard day. 

I’ve had those days when (maybe without even realizing it) I need my friend on the phone to be a little extra sympathetic. I’ve had days where I needed someone to listen without saying “Yeah, I know exactly what you mean, like this one time when I…” because the last thing I needed to do was to hear that someone went through the same thing with more courage or grace. I’ve had days where the cookies being just a little bit too burned done caused me to burst into tears, but if you’d asked me 2 minutes before I would have told you that nothing was wrong, and I would have believed myself too.

There’s going to be pain in this world. There’s going to be hard days. Sometimes, the hard things just wear on you without you even realizing it.

What I’ve learned from my dog, though, is that maybe one way for me to love people around me is to try to treat them all as if they’ve just had a hard day – giving them more patience and understanding than I normally would. I’ll always encourage them that they can take the stairs by themselves, but if they need me to carry them or hold their hand, then of course that’s what I’m going to try to do. Maybe that’s what love looks like sometimes.

Ephesians 4:2 – “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” 

[On a side note, I took Trixie for a ride in the car on Monday after posting the last blog, and she farted on me. No joke. Audibly farted on me. I think she didn't appreciate that blog.]